


Afraid (Knowing)

by syriala



Series: Meet Me Again, Time After Time [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Arc Reactor, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Flashbacks, M/M, Memory Issues, Not Iron Man 3 Compliant, Panic Attacks, Post-Iron Man 3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Worried Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 21:25:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3911233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/pseuds/syriala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony deeply regrets blowing up all his suits. He also worries that he hasn't seen the Soldier in quite some time. The Soldier on the other hand cares in his own way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afraid (Knowing)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is not Iron Man 3 compliant because I refuse to accept that Tony removed his arc reactor. Apart from that I hope you have fun with this.

After the Mandarin debacle Tony had thought about rebuilding his house in Malibu. He had grown quite fond of it over the years but in the end he decided against it. It wouldn’t be the same anymore and besides, it would be a shame to leave the tower only for R&D. 

So he and Pepper moved into the tower permanently but even though Tony knew that the tower was safe, that he had the best security there was, and Jarvis of course, he didn’t feel safe. 

There were too many threats hanging over his head, with his suits all blown up, and he hid in his workshop every chance he got. 

He knew that he had promised Pepper that he would stop with the tinkering but he just couldn’t. He had to protect her now as well, especially with Extremis out of her system, and he knew no other way than to build new suits. 

So he spent day and night in the workshop, far away from the company and his responsibilities, but also far away from Pepper. 

Tony knew that it wasn’t fair, that it was his own fault, but he felt trapped in the promise he gave Pepper. He should’ve known better. But he loved her and had been so happy that she was still alive, he would’ve promised her the moon and stars. Giving up his suits seemed like a small thing compared to that. 

Only now, after things settled down, did Tony realize how wrong he had been. The stars and the moon were far away, unlike his workshop and the remaining suit parts he had. It had been too much of a temptation to resist. 

So nowadays he holed himself up in the workshop, furiously working on Mark 43, and refusing to leave except for getting more food which he ate on his workbench. He even slept in the workshop, accompanied by the frequent whirring of Dummy and You. It was, apart from Jarvis, the only thing that could calm him down. 

Mark 43 came around beautifully, he was nearly done, and Tony’s attention began to drift. The TV that was running in the background could only hold his attention for a few minutes and after that his thoughts began to roam freely and he got stuck on the thought of the metal arm he build for the Soldier. Tony had made constant improvements on it over the years, always keeping it at the top of everything so that it would ready whenever he needed it.

He wondered if the Soldier would take the arm now but Tony hadn’t seen him since that last visit at his house and so he hadn’t gotten a chance to offer the new arm to him again and he wasn’t sure that the Soldier’s attitude towards it would have changed. Tony was pretty sure that as long as the Soldier worked for that handler, Tony refused to call it being owned, he would never accept it.

Since that day in his workshop Tony hadn’t seen the Soldier; it had been the longest stretch since the first time they had met. Tony wondered if the Soldier really thought he died but even after Tony had gone missing in Afghanistan the Soldier had shown up. Sure, Tony had been presumed dead when his house blew up but he had made quite the comeback so the Soldier surely heard about that. Maybe he had some trouble coming to the tower. The house in Malibu had been pretty far out, there were no neighbours and the possibility of being seen was near zero. Now Tony lived in the middle of a city and he couldn’t help but wonder if that kept the Soldier away. 

Tony had walked the parks even more frequently after the last visit and especially now since he moved into the tower but the Soldier had never shown up and it worried Tony. Even if the Soldier didn’t come to his house that often to begin with, there were still some short meetings in the park, just a few minutes on the bench together, but even that hadn’t happened. So maybe it wasn’t because of the people and the Soldier really thought he was dead. But he had sounded so sure when he said that Tony would come back and Tony clung to that bit of hope.

The Soldier had acted strange the last time Tony had seen him, he had given more information away than any time before, and that he hadn’t shown up for so long now worried Tony a great deal. He was afraid that something might have happened to the Soldier. That his handlers might have done something to him. The Soldier had mentioned that he needed to go and he had spent quite some time down in the workshop so maybe they punished him for that and the Soldier decided that it wasn’t worth coming to Tony if pain was the reward. He had talked about a chair after all and he seemed pretty shaken just thinking about that.

Tony would never know if the Soldier had died or if he just didn’t come for Tony anymore and the uncertainty already drove him mad and it had only been a few years. It was a long time but nothing compared to the time the Soldier already came to him. If the Soldier never showed up again now Tony would forever wonder what had happened to him. Not to mention that he would never discard of the arm. He would update it till the day that he died even if the Soldier never came back to him. 

Tony knew that he probably should use his knowledge of the arm to expand his business into prosthetics but it felt wrong to offer the world something that belonged to the Soldier. He wanted to give him the arm first before he ventured into that business part. There were already plans for mass production that would be affordable to nearly everyone but the Soldier should be the first one to receive it.

Tony would always hope that the Soldier would eventually show up again, even if he would never accept the arm, and the fact that their previous meetings were irregular at best would only feed Tony’s hope that they might meet again one day. 

The Soldier would surely haunt him for the rest of his life and Tony wasn’t entirely unpleased with that. The Soldier had had a great impact on his life, even saved it if Tony remembered that night correctly, and Tony wouldn’t change that for anything. 

But now Tony could do nothing than hope that the Soldier was alright; hope that there was another meeting, even if it was just a short one in a park. Tony needed something to reassure him that the Soldier was safe, that nothing had happened to him, especially not because of him.

That he truly enjoyed the company of the Soldier, even though he didn’t recognize Tony half the time and threatened to kill him the other half, was an entirely different matter that Tony didn’t dwell on for too long. 

He was lost deep in his thoughts when Jarvis suddenly announced “Sir, the Soldier is in the near vicinity of the tower.” 

That caught Tony’s attention and he couldn’t help his smile. It was like his thoughts had brought the Soldier back to him, again, just like last time. “What is he doing?” Tony asked and impatiently waited for Jarvis response. 

“It appears he looks for a way in.” 

“Show me” Tony demanded and a video feed was instantly opened up before him. Tony watched the Soldier circle the tower and when he made his third round, obviously not happy with the entrances he discovered so far, Tony said “Jarvis, open that door for him.” 

Tony would never admit to the fact that he had installed that back door solely for the Soldier. That door was not even on one of the blue prints; Tony had called in someone who had built that door specifically to his wishes. Tony had just wanted an easy entry point for the Soldier.

And Tony had stayed true to his word to himself: there were no blueprints for the tower. 

Sure, he had needed them for the construction but he had made one for every floor and the workers were only given the one of the floor they were currently working on. And Tony had made sure that every floor was slightly different, that they had a subtle altered outline, so that the blueprints were all different as well. 

After the construction was done Tony had destroyed all of them, only Jarvis had a complete set left. It spoke volumes about Tony’s paranoia but he felt better for it. 

The door though, that was only for the Soldier. Not to talk about the fact that it came in pretty handy if he needed to avoid Pepper, which happened quite a lot lately. Since no one knew about it, it was easy to slip in and out of the tower unnoticed.

Now, however, was the first time that he used it for its original purpose. 

The door was practically invisible from the outside and when Jarvis opened it for the Soldier he looked positively startled. The Soldier didn’t move to the door but he also didn’t go away and Tony guessed that he suspected a trap or something the like. 

“J, invite him in” Tony said a bit distracted while he made sure to hide all parts of the most recent arm. He would have to determine the mental state of the Soldier before he even thought about offering it. He still vividly remembered the last time and he didn’t want to frighten the Soldier like that again. 

“Sir, Tony Stark invites you into his tower” Tony heard Jarvis say and when he looked back at the video he could see that the Soldier didn’t come closer. If anything he withdrew himself even more and he looked ready to bolt any second. 

Tony let out a deep sigh. He should have known that letting Jarvis speak to the Soldier would get him nowhere. “Jarvis, put me though.” 

A little light appeared at the corner of the window indicating that he Soldier could hear him now. “It’s okay. You can come in. I promise there is now danger here.” 

The Soldier seemed to relax at his voice but he was still obviously wary. He moved closer to the door but didn’t enter the tower. Tony could guess that it was because he would never enter uncharted territory so to speak and it only confirmed that he had known the outlay of his house in Malibu because there had been no hesitation. So it had been a good thing that Tony got rid of all the blue prints for the tower.

“You’re safe here. Look, would it help if you knew the inside of the tower?” Tony made a few motions and Jarvis pulled up the blueprints. 

Since Jarvis had the only complete set, even the door was included; Tony was putting quite the trust in the Solider. Tony had predicted this behaviour and so he had spent quite some time thinking about this, if he could ever feel safe again once the Soldier knew the whole outlay of the tower but in the end Tony decided that it would be worth the risk. It was obvious that the Soldier wouldn’t enter the tower without complete knowledge about the layout and the Soldier was important enough to Tony to try and overcome his trust issues.

The Soldier studied the outlay of the tower for quite some time before he nodded. “I’m in the workshop” Tony said and the Soldier strode into the tower without a second thought. 

Tony kept an eye on him in case he lost his way but he shouldn’t have worried. The Soldier found the workshop without turning the wrong way once. Jarvis had already opened the door to let the Soldier in and he strode right into the room. 

He only stopped when Tony turned around and then he took some time to look around the workshop. The Soldier seemed a bit overwhelmed by everything; after all it was a lot bigger than the one in Malibu. 

“It’s okay. Nothing will harm you here” Tony said just when Dummy approached. 

The Soldier jumped when Dummy shoved his camera into the Soldier’s face and Tony suppressed a chuckle. “That’s Dummy. You met him, remember? I made him. He’s harmless” Tony explained and the Soldier seemed to believe him because after a few seconds he put the knife he had drawn away again. 

Tony was quite intrigued by the uniform the Soldier was wearing this time because there were no obvious weapons to see but Tony was pretty sure that there was more than one knife hidden under the leather. 

“I know you” the Soldier said after studying Tony for a little while. 

Tony wanted to roll his eyes at that familiar statement but he stopped himself. The Soldier probably wouldn’t appreciate it. “Yes, you do. I’m Tony. We’ve met” Tony said, fully aware that the Soldier might attack him at that. 

Tony shouldn’t have worried because while the Soldier nodded he didn’t respond otherwise. He came further into the room and then sat down on the couch. 

The Soldier rubbed his metal shoulder and seemed lost in thought and it wasn’t the first time that Tony wished he wouldn’t wear the face mask. It made it impossible to read the Soldier even though his eyes were pretty expressive. 

Tony didn’t know what to say because questions always seemed to put the Soldier on edge and he certainly didn’t seemed to be the kind of guy for small talk. 

Tony was surprised when the Soldier suddenly said “I feel safe with you. Why?” 

Tony raised an eyebrow at that and he didn’t know how to answer that. “I repaired your arm” was what he eventually came up with and the Soldier nodded. 

“I know that. But they repair it too. I don’t feel safe with them.” 

That sparked some pretty intense feelings within Tony because while he had put together that his handlers weren’t so nice with him, it was a totally different thing to hear it from the Soldier himself. The last time he had mentioned his handlers he made pretty clear that he seemed to believe that he belonged to them and this now was the first open ‘criticism’ so to speak, about them.

Tony wished again he could have a word, or a fight, with his handlers but he pushed it all down. The Soldier would probably misread his anger and think it was directed at him and Tony didn’t need that. 

But Tony made a mental note to reconsider searching the databanks for the Soldier. He was even more likely to find something now that Jarvis was in the Shield server but that was a matter for another time. 

“Maybe it’s my charming personality” Tony said in a weak attempt of a joke and the Soldier just looked confused at him. Tony really should’ve known better. 

“You didn’t hurt me. They always make it hurt” the Soldier said unsure if that could be the reason. 

Tony’s hands clenched into tight fists at that because no one should ever hurt the Soldier on purpose. It was a useless gesture but all he could do now. “If I can help it, I would never hurt you” Tony said and thought that maybe now was the time to offer the new arm. 

“You changed it” the Soldier said instead of an answer and Tony didn’t know what he was talking about because he never changed the arm. He understood what the Soldier meant when he followed his gaze that was trained on his chest and the arc reactor. Tony frowned because nothing about it had changed. Then he remembered that the Soldier hadn’t seen him since the last visit, after he put in the new reactor and it made sense then.

“I told you you would come back” the Soldier said but he looked confused even as he said it, like he couldn’t really remember that part of the conversation

Tony couldn’t help but smile at that though. “Yeah, you did. I changed it shortly after you came by.” 

“This one is keeping you alive now” the Soldier said and came over to lightly put his fingertips on it. Tony repressed the urge to flinch. No one had touched it since Obadiah took it from him but he knew that moving away from the Soldier would be the wrong thing to do. He didn’t really think that the Soldier would take it from him, it was more of a reflex, and so he stayed where he was. 

The Soldier was still looking at it and Tony felt strangely grounded by that. “It does” he eventually managed and his finger twitched. He had the urge to open his shirt so that the Soldier could get a close look at it and even though he had never willingly let anyone look he found himself thinking ‘Why the hell not’. That thought surprised him because even with Pepper he had needed some time to talk himself into calling her for help and he only did it because he wasn’t able to reach the wire. But showing the reactor to the Soldier would serve no purpose and still, Tony found that he really wanted to do it.

Before he could do that though something behind him caught the Soldiers’ attention and Tony turned around. It was the still running TV and Tony saw his own cocky smile from before Afghanistan. It looked like they were making a documentation about him or something and he reached out to turn it off. 

He stopped when he saw himself guide the missile into the giant wormhole. 

That never failed to get his attention and sadly it also never felt to trigger a panic attack. After the Mandarin he had hoped that maybe he was over the whole nearly dying thing but he had been mistaken. 

The attacks were still as strong as ever and thanks to that he was also more easily triggered by sand and water and darkness. It didn’t really help that they showed some footage of the Mandarin after the Chitauri invasion. 

Sure, Tony knew about ‘Trevor, the actor’ but it didn’t lessen the horror of the whole situation. 

And right there on screen was his biggest mistake ever. It would haunt him for a long time the he had blown up all his suits and he deeply regretted it now. That Mark 43 wasn’t yet combat ready was also a thing that made him sleep less. 

Tony felt how his breath quickened and by now he knew that the shaking was a good indicator for a panic attack. He gasped for air but it felt like he couldn’t get any in his lungs and he turned to the Soldier for help even though he was pretty sure the Soldier wouldn’t know how to help him. 

The Soldier seemed shocked at his sudden mood change and Tony couldn’t blame him for that. He seemed very susceptible to the moods of those around him, always expecting some sort of pain, and he obviously was caught off guard by Tony’s sudden panic. Probably just as much as Tony was. 

Tony still couldn’t breathe and the trembling had travelled from his hands through his whole body and darkness already began to creep into his vision. He must have lost some time because the next thing he remembered was him sitting on the ground, a chair lying right next to him, and the Soldier in front of him. 

He crouched down and took Tony’s hands in his. “It’s okay. You’re gonna breath with me now. Nothing will harm you here” he said and even through his panic Tony noticed that the Soldier now had a Brooklyn accent. 

The Soldier squeezed his hands to regain his attention and then he started to take some deliberately deep and slow breaths. Tony tried to match them but he couldn’t, he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs, and while the shaking slowly subsided his lungs wouldn’t cooperate so easily. 

“Just breathe with me. It’ll get easier. You’ll see. In” the Soldier took a deep breath “and out” he released his breath and Tony tried to copy him. 

A distant part of his brain was stuck on the question how the Soldier knew how to do this when he seemed to know so little in general, especially about himself, but he was glad for it. Because while it took him some time to regulate his breathing it was still a lot quicker than when only Jarvis was there to talk him through it. 

When Tony’s breathing had gone back to normal the Soldier stood up and since he was still holding Tony’s hands he pulled him right up with him. “See, you’re all better now” he said and briefly hugged Tony which made him speechless. 

The Soldier had never initiated contact, and especially never like that, and it confused Tony. It seemed to confuse the Soldier as well because he took a hurried step backwards and looked shocked, hands flexing and shoulders already drawing in tight as to protect him from an oncoming blow.

“How did you know how to do that?” Tony asked instead of commenting on the hug, or moving at all, and his voice was a bit rough. 

“I don’t. It just seemed…there was a small boy…” the Soldier trailed off and his voice was as flat as always, bare of any accent now. The Soldier still looked a bit spooked but he seemed to understand that no punishment was coming his way and he slightly relaxed. 

“Okay” Tony said when it became obvious that was the only answer the Soldier knew. “Thank you. That helped a lot.” 

The only response Tony got to that was a sharp nod while the Soldier returned to his place on the couch. He was rubbing his temple as if he was having a headache and he seemed lost in thought. 

Tony quickly turned around to shut off the TV only to find that Jarvis had already taken care of it. When Tony turned back around the Soldier looked like nothing had happened. 

“What brings you here?” Tony asked, hoping that maybe this time the Soldier could give him an actual answer. He seemed much more coherent this time.

“Something is about to happen” the Soldier answered and he sounded serious. 

“What?” Tony asked when the Soldier didn’t elaborate. 

He shrugged and looked down at his hands. “I don’t know. They act…strange.” 

Tony was guessing that the Soldier was talking about his handlers. It didn’t help that it was still fresh in Tony’s mind that they hurt the Soldier on purpose. He really hoped that acting strange didn’t involve more pain for the Soldier.

“Does it involve you?” Tony asked and hoped that the answer would be no. He didn’t want for the Soldier to have to kill more people. 

“I’m awake” he answered like that was all the explanation Tony needed. 

“And that’s bad?” Tony asked in an attempt to understand more. 

“I don’t have a mission yet. I should not be awake without a mission.” 

Before Tony could make any sense of that the Soldier got up again. “I have to go. I spend too much time here. They will notice.” 

“What will they do if they notice?” 

The Soldier tensed up and that was all the answer Tony needed to confirm his fears. There would be punishment. Probably for the Soldier and him. 

“Why did you come then?” Tony asked again, a bit desperate. He needed an answer. He needed to know why the Soldier always came back to him, always found him. It was important to him even though Tony couldn’t quite say why. 

“I don’t think I will get the chance again” the Soldier said, clearly caught off guard by that. “This was the last time” he added like he needed to try that out to determine the truth of the statement. 

When their eyes met Tony felt cold all over. The Soldier believed what he had just said and Tony wasn’t yet ready for this to end. Maybe he never would be but now was certainly not the time. 

Before he could stop the Soldier, keep him from leaving, he had already left the workshop. Jarvis pulled up the feed again without Tony having to ask for it and Tony watched the Soldier leave. 

He briefly stopped when the back door closed behind him and for a split second Tony thought that he would come back. He almost hoped he would. But then the Soldier looked directly into Jarvis’ camera and disappeared. 

Tony didn’t know that to do with himself after that, how to process this and he decided that work would be the best thing for him now. He carefully stayed away from the arm and fully concentrated on Mark 43. He worked until he no longer thought about the Soldier and then he just kept going. 

The next day Nick Fury was assassinated.

**Author's Note:**

> So after this the last part will start, but it will have multiple chapter so don't worry^^
> 
> As always, thank you all for your nice comments and the kudos you all leave, it means a lot to me.
> 
> Come find me at my [tumblr](http://bloody-bee-tea.tumblr.com/)


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